Pregnancy & Baby

A letter to my son

Dear Nico,

Thank you for giving me the greatest gift. Thank you for making me a mom. Your mom. Today I celebrate my first mothers day. A day I, for the longest time, was not brave enough to truly believe I would get to celebrate.

The road here was far from straight. Three days before my 30th birthday, just a few months after your dad and I became a couple, I was told that it would be close to impossible to get pregnant naturally, that IVF was my only realistic way forward and that we should do it sooner rather than later. It wasn’t easy to hear nor to tell your dad but we made a plan and started working towards it. We both knew in our hearts all we wanted was you.

A year later we moved to Sweden and shortly after that we started the IVF process with tons of tests, blood samples and forms to fill out. Once we got approved we were wait-listed until they had time for us at the clinic. In June 2019 we got to go on the first meeting and a plan for drugs and examinations was made up. I actually took the first shot in the treatment plan in a hotel room in Cologne, the city were your dad and I met, on the day of our 2nd anniversary.

We had a great summer with one of my most memorable vacations, I started the second wave of IVF drugs and your dad proposed on the beach in Skummeslöv at sunset. At the end of the summer we did the first embryo transfer. Just a few hours later I started feeling very sick and got a fever. We drove the one hour ride back to the hospital to the specialist but they were not sure what was wrong and sent us home again. A few hours after we got home I felt worse again and we drove back. For 3 days we drove back and forth 2 times per day until the doctors finally admitted me to the hospital, still not agreeing on what was wrong with me. They stuffed me full of antibiotics for a few days and even though I had not taken the test yet I knew in my heart that the embryo did not stick and something was wrong. They sent me home again to continue my recovery.

I felt very weak but thought it was just me recovering from all the drugs. A couple of weeks went by before we went back to the hospital for a followup meeting for the IVF as by then I had tested negative. We made a plan, everything looked good and I gave a blood sample like always. I was determined to stay positive. The morning after I woke up from a call from the hospital. They wanted me to come back immediately as the blood sample showed that my infection values were sky high and they were surprised I was able to walk around like normal. They did another ultrasound and found that my cyst, witch just a few days earlier had been 3cm in diameter, had now grown to a solid 10cm in diameter. I was admitted and scheduled for a CT scan and put on close monitoring. My mood fell as I knew this meant we were taking steps away from you rather than closer to you. I stayed for a week in the hospital, recovering from surgery. When I came home I was weak and deflated, our IVF schedule had been moved up another 3 months to let my body fully recover.

In January 2020 we started the second round of IVF drugs. Still determined that we would get to meet you one day. The day before we left for our yearly trip to Katowice I tested negative once again. I called the doctor and a plan was made to start the process for a freeze transfer when we got back mid march. We landed back in Sweden on the 1st of March and the coming two weeks we watched as the whole world (including the IVF clinic) closed down due to the pandemic and I lost all of my freelance gigs and studio clients. This is when I gave up. It felt like an impossible mountain to climb or rather, like there wasn’t even a mountain to climb on. If our only option was IVF and the IVF clinic was closed, surely there would be no baby.

For the first time in 2.5 years my body had zero drugs or hormones in it and every day was a whirlwind of trying to cope with that paired with the fear I shared with the rest of the world with a pandemic ranging free, threatening both lives and livelihoods. A few months went by in a cloud of emotional roller coasters and then on a whim I checked the website for the IVF clinic and it said it would open up again the following week. I instantly called them to schedule a freeze transfer and they told me to call on the first day of my period to get the treatment timed correctly. Hope was back! Maybe we would get to see you after all. So we waited, and waited and waited. Due to all the meds my period had been uneven in the past but after a while I was really starting to wonder why it never came. So I took a test “just to rule out that I’m pregnant” which I was sure I wasn’t as I had been told that was not possible. But guess what, a clear blue little plus showed up on that test, your first little wave to the world. I was pregnant. No drugs, no hospitals. A true miracle. I will always remember that day, the 2nd of June 2020.

Because of my complicated past we got an appointment for an early ultra sound to check on you. My nerves had me shaking like a little leaf but there you were, a very very tiny blob with an even tinier blob flickering inside. Your heart. I was in love. Summer came and I felt so bad. 7 weeks of sick leave spent on the couch with the weirdest cravings. Just about everything made me nauseous except thin white bread rolls with cheese, Swedish chocolate balls, apple pie drowned in vanilla sauce and sushi.  In the middle of this nausea wave we went for another ultrasound, the first one where you actually looked like a little person, and found out that you were healthy, another big wave of relief.

Slowly, as summer eased into fall, the nausea passed and I started really enjoying being pregnant. We went to the routine ultrasound and you made it very clear that you were a happy baby boy. Soon there after I could both see and feel your little kicks and so could your dad. Around that time we finally agreed and settled upon your name. Your dad had some “interesting” suggestions but for your sake I vetoed Chewbacca, you can thank me later. We were set on finding a name that works in German, Swedish and English and that suited both a cute baby and the CEO of a multi national company (in case that would be your calling). I think we made the right choice.

And then, on an icy cold Saturday afternoon you made your grand entrance, on February 6th. It hasn’t even been four months but you feel like such a natural part of our family, like you’ve always been here. Now I get to watch you adorable giggles every day. I get to be by your side when you learn new things and when you discover the world. I get to be your mom and that’s the greatest gift I could ever receive. In just a few days it will be one year since I saw that little plus on the stick, one year since your first litte hello to us.





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